The Real Fairytalesl: Snow White by A Hess

Chapter 1

"For the last time -I WILL NOT CLEANT HE HOUSE!" I yell at the dwarves.
"But the book-" Happy holds up a book called Snow White.
"-is just a book which is freakishly similar to my life!" I grab it from Happy and throw it across the room. "Now," I say, "I am a princess and I refuse to do housework. That is your job." I point at the dwarves.
"But in the story it says that once you are chased by your step-motheryou'll come here and clea-" Dopey begins.
"I WILL NOT CLEAN! And I don't have a step-mother; the person trying to kill me is my REAL mother. She thinks I'm stealing her beauty. So she wants to kill me so she can get her beauty back! Ha! That crazy old hag!" I laugh.
"You're..." Bashful says, "...nothing like the story Miss Snow Whi-"
"MY NAME ISN'T SHOW WHITE! I mean, what kind of idiot would name their child that?! My name is Amari!" I finish.
"Maybe we should have stayed in the mine." Grumpy mumbles.
"Mines?" I ask. Suddenly interested.
"Yes," Sleepy yawns, "the gem mines."
Now this is interesting! I think to myself.
"Why don't you get some gems to show me?" I say, putting on my nicest voice. The dwarves look at each other, then shake their heads.
"Okay," I say, "let's make a deal." I smile and grab an apple from the dusty counter. "If you boys can find a diamond as big as this apple, I will clean the house for you."

They huddle together trying to decide if it's a good deal. A moment later they turn around nod.

"Come on!" Happy instructs, "Let's go!" The dwarves grab their tools and head out of the door. I stand by the door until I see them go over the hill. Just as they go over I slam the door shut and laugh.
"HA! They'll never be able to find a jewel as big as this! The apple is bigger than both my fists put together! And if they do - I'm rich!" I stop my celebrations when I hear a knock at the door. I go and open it and standing in front of me is an old beggar woman with a basket of apples.

"Don't want any." I say as I slam the door in her face. She knocks again. Getting angry I go up to the fireplace and grab a fire prod then walk back to the door. "WHAT?!" I yell as I swing open the door.
"Do you want to buy an apple?" The old hag asks.
"We're in the middle of a forest, where there are HUNDREDS of apple trees. Think lady, use your brain if you have one!" I scream, rolling my eyes.
"Ah, but one of quality like these?" she asks.
"Wait," I say, really looking at the situation. "Why is there an arbitrary old lady trying to sell me apples in the middle of an apple forest...?"
"Um... well, er..." she mumbles.
"Now," I point the fire prod at her, "leave!"
"How dare you!" The old lady proclaims. "Do you know wh-"
"Just give me an apple!" I say, not caring what she wants to tell me. I take a good look athte blood red apple that she gives me and I open my mouth as if to eat it. I watch her open her own mouth in anticipation of my bite and in that instant I shove it in between her wrinkly lips and slam the door behind me. I turn and go upstairs to take a nap.

* * * * * *

The dwarves are hard at work looking for that one big jewel so Amari will clean their house.
"No," Happy says, picking up antoher gem, "not quite." He throws it behind him.
"Oi!" Grumpy yells. All the dwarves look at him. "What will hapen if she doesn't clean?"
"Theeeee -theeeee -theeeeen -then we force her to!" Bashful replies.
"But she's not the type of person who will listen." Happy says.
"Then we drug her." Grumpy exclaims. "And once she's out of it we dump her on the midnight wagon that comes every week. Thank goodness it comes tonight!" And just like that, the dwarves had a back-up plan.

* * * * * *

"Ah," I say as the dwarves open the door. "you DID come back!"
"We sure did!" Happy says.
"And look!" Dopey says holding up a diamond the size of an apple.
"Well," I say, grabbing it and my apple. "Let's see if it's big enough."
I hold up the jewel directly in front of the apple. Only a small outline of the apple is left.
"Sorry, it's just not big enough." I smile.
"But it is!" the dwarves yell.
"No, I still see some of my apple, ergo, it isn't big enough."
The dwarves all stare at me in disbelief.
"Now," I say, sitting back in a chair. "Go make dinner, I'm hungry."
With that they all slog off to the kitchen.

"Alright," Grumpy says, "get me the sleeping powder."
"Grumpy," Happy says, "this might not be the best-"
"-Shut up." Grumpy snaps. "Unless you want her to stay and boss us around."
And so the dwarves got to work. They chopped veggies, boiled water, got spices and made a stew. The dwarves got all the bowls lined up to receive the stew.

As Grumpy dishes out the stew he keeps thinking over his plan and smiling. When Dopey comes up with his bowl Grumpy says, "Dopey, can I trust you wih Amari's bowl?"
Dopey nods with such enthusiasm that his had slips over his eyes.
"Oh dear." Grumpy mumbles while rubbing his eye with the back of a hand. "Okay, all you need to do is put in the powder. I'm going to sit at the table. Be quick."
Dopey looks for the powder and sees it on the top shelf. He goes to fetch a stepping ladder and climbing up it he reaches for the powder but only with his fingertips just touching the bottle.
He reaches further and stretches far but knocks it over, the lid flies off and powder spills into the bowl on the counter below. Dopey rushes down the little ladder and grabs a spoon to stir the powder into the stew. All the while hoping that he wasn't making too much of a mess.

* * * * * *

"HURRY UP! I'm HUNGRY!" I yell at Dopey as he walks at a painfully slow pace, trying not to spill my dinner. He puts it down in front of me and runs to his seat. I pick up my spoon and start to eat.
"Hey, this isn't half bad." I say. Just as I am about to take another spoonful I feel a very large yawn stuck in my throat, moments before I black out.

* * * * * *

And before her second bite she passes out landing face first in the stew sending droplets flying.
"DAMN IT!" Grumpy says. "How much did you put in there?" He turns to Dopey.
At that moment there is a knocking at the door.
"Coming!" Happy calls out as he rushes to reach the door. In the doorway is a very handsome man.
"Hello little men, I am a weary prince traveling back to my home, my I please use your bathro-" he looks up towards the table and sees Amari, face down in her food.
"Could it be?" He walks forward, lifting up her stew-drenched face from the bowl. "Amari! My true love!" He sweeps her up into his arms. "Come my love!" He says to an unconscious girl with bits of vegetables on her face. "We shall go to my kingdom to be wed!" And with that he walked out of the cottage.

After a moment of stunned silence the dwarves all look at Happy.
"Well, that was random. bon appetit!' Happy says and the dwarves continue living in the little cottage, glad to be rid of Princess Amari.